Here's my latest project. I literally don't know how I did it. Even now I have a toddler going nuts. Throwing books. Refusing to go to bed.
Oh my word. Such extremes. Life is so extreme and I tend to romanticize things and then reality hits. It happens every. single. time. with the furniture. Every. I see the potential. I buy the piece. I haul the piece. I look at it again and wonder what I am doing with this piece of crap. Why am I even doing this? Seriously. Why? And then I literally force myself to push through the chaos of my life and finish it. I never think about who made it or who owned it before. Or who will own it. I don't care about the story. I just love the thrill of the change. Something given up and ugly and now a piece of art. It's a love hate relationship. Or a love, hate, love relationship.
It's the same way with the dog we have now. I romanticized having a dog. Now shoveling the poop off the deck because he's prefers to go there over the grass is not so romantic. Or the breaking out of the kennel and pooping and peeing all over the entire house. Or the deep cut he got from trying to escape his harness on the run so he won't kill the chickens when he's outside. Yeah, I start getting rose colored glasses again when I see Hudson hug his face. But then when I took him to the vet after only having him for a few weeks and had to pay $400 to have the deep cut repaired, I prayed he would die under anesthesia. I did. But I like him. It's the extremes.
I romanticized Halloween while my husband was away at the Pastor's retreat. I designed chicken costumes and order feather boas to add to the effect. On Halloween I picked up a grumpy teenager who was staying with us and ran into Wal-mart to get a few last minute details. Henry asked the guy who was cashing us out why his belly was so fat. Yeah. And I wildly sewed stuff on the hats last minute. I dressed Henry very militantly and then Hudson. Hudson screamed and immediately tried to rip the costume off. Didn't they understand how awesome I had imagined the moment? Henry did. He also wears rose colored glasses. He loved everything about it. I bribed and threatened Hudson and dragged an older unwilling participant with us. But the night was incredible. Another example of extremes. The vision, the horrible and stressful process and then, thank GOD, the result was a blissful evening in and idyllic town. It was the best Halloween ever. The best. I felt like we were in a movie.
When I want to quit because I wasn't cut out for any of this, I am exactly right. I was made for the Garden of Eden and all this sin, imperfection, sin natures and death that surrounds us - we were not made for. I am so sickened and angry at how paralyzed I am by the stresses of a person in such a blessed nation. So much but so imprisoned. It's insane. But we weren't designed for this battle. That's why the depravity and the struggles are blessings in disguise. Reminders that the only way we can be cut out for this world is when we approach it in the shape of a cross. My self centeredness is overwhelming. But it's the sin that is in me. And God still loves me in spite of all that. That war inside of me. He has a solution. To look to Him. To take more of Him and then I will look less at me and I can face this battle because He already won it.
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