My Meditations ~ 3 1/2 Months

I've been meditating on so many things this past week. I really want to write them down but haven't had the right time just yet.

3 1/2 Months -
One thing I was thinking about is it's been 3 1/2 months since Vinny went home to be with the Lord and how much my life has contracted and expanded during that time. My world got very small after it happened. I barely wanted to leave my house, I didn't want to do a lot of things I normally do. There were very few people I would spend lengths of time with and I am a very social person. I didn't like talking on the phone except to my cousin Rye basically. The night I found out about Vinny, I had just got out of my group power class and was in the middle of making myself some salmon. Needless to say, I haven't been back to the gym since that night. Partly because I haven't been up to it and partly because of the intense memory. I never finished cooking the salmon that night and I have had no desire to eat it since then. The week before he died, I was with him in Maryland looking at houses. It was a secret that only a few people knew about. He was one of them. He wanted so badly for me to move back there so I could be close to him and I wanted the same thing. For months, the idea of returning to Maryland for even a weekend visit has been too much to think about. We had such good times there together when both of us were living there. I didn't think I could ever, ever go back. Vinny used to call me quite frequently and ask when I was going to have children. He would get so mad that I hadn't yet. He wanted to have children himself so badly. You can imagine the deep pain I felt knowing he wouldn't be able to be a part of my child's life here on earth. It was so difficult I couldn't even tell people about the pregnancy. Those are ways that my life contracted during these intense days of grief. God is faithful. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away - that is a whole other post. My life has expanded because I have learned the Lord's faithfulness in the most difficult time of my life. I have learned how richly the Lord blessed my life through my relationship with my brother. I have learned the time is short and that I want to live my life for God because of what the Lord has done for me and to honor one of my brother's deepest desires. My world is also expanding because, although the loss will never go away on this earth, we learn to operate in a new way in our lives with the loss there. I have started to want to be around more people. By faith, I am going back to the gym tonight. I am excited about my pregnancy. I even want to go to Maryland very soon. This is just a testimony to the faithfulness of God. Thank you Jesus.